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I was thinking about hope; yes hope- and the importance of it in our lives. I was reading about a lovely woman who said that through her loss of her baby girl it was the hope of others that gave her the ability to walk forward. As I am reflecting on this I too am able to apply this to my own life and say a resounding "yes" to her declaration. I am thinking of brave people in my own life who feel overwrought with present circumstances, wondering how they will be able to go on. When the days are long, the offense great, the loss tremendous I really do believe that it is by hope that we can put one foot in front of another. Hope that another has in you will ignite a beautiful and powerful ingredient in one's own heart: faith. One day at a time; that's it. Nothing more. Can you love that unlovely child? Can you forgive yet one more time? Can we love one another knowing that it is a risk- a huge risk with everything to lose? I long to be that bit of hope in another persons life when maybe breathing is all that can be accomplished. I can reflect on the faces and words of hope spoken into my life even when I couldn't truly digest it; it was still longed for in my heart. To know that people stand in the gap, praying with fervency and tenderness.... what an amazing, humbling gift. As loss is constant and pain inevitable, hope can be a beacon in another persons life offering a life support to a dieing victim sinking under the absence of hope.
I am writing this from the vantage of admiration at so many lovely and amazing women in the midst of my life; brave women. Women going forward when they feel "done", exhausted with the challenges that were not foreseen from decisions past.
Isaiah 40: 29,31
" He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
....but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
for they shall walk and not faint."
This feels like an awkward conversation; it has been so long! Do you ever feel like you just don't really know where to begin? Well, I guess that is truly how I feel. Like life has a lot of complication, pain, and unknowns. So, with that comes an extreme tendency to withdraw. I really don't want to, but with life and the various roads we walk there just appears to be a complication in choosing to let it all hang out there.
Amidst the changes that I feel have been constant in this past year I still see how much God longs for me, His child to know His love. This is the constant battle that I toil over within my mind-- feelings of failure, lack of worth.... a battle that I know God's truth as constant and solid, but yet, the Enemy also knows my "story"-- who I am and what has shaped me as well.
A couple of weeks ago there were 2 very significant events which were tangible expressions of God's love for me, to me. Both of these were encounters with 2 women in my life whom I love dearly; but through life's geographic challenges and also the scheduling with kids schooling and church families it is a difficulty to keep in touch. One woman, whom God brought into my life through our similar trials of both of our children being born with a congenital heart defect was sharing about her grieving and what life looks like 2 years post the death of her daughter. As she spoke about her struggles to sometimes engage or feel like her grieving is understood I was able to hear her heart, to love her where she feels difficulty sometimes in her "talking" to God. There were so many things about her heart; the words she chose, that I was able to hear myself in...it gave me a permission to simply "be". I find that a very difficult task-- "being" . Without knowing what lies around life's corner, seeing what appeared clear and forthright become out of focus has left me feeling foggy.... It is even so hard to put to words, but hearing another sister who loves God with all her heart share the reality of where her own uncleanness lies, it was a comfort, a salve, and I knew that God wants me to hear His heart-- giving permission to just "be", to know His love, to rest in Him, to await a healing that my heart obviously needs. How thankful I am, how humbled I am that God loves me enough to give me a sense of being understood by him.
My other encounter came via a phone call from a dear friend living in California. When care and tenderness comes out of nowhere it is especially noticed. A reminder that who God sees me as has not and will not change. I know that Truth of who I am, who you are, is completely and clearly seen in God's word. How lovely it is to hear the words from fellow family in the Body, to feel a loving hand upon a shoulder, or to see the tears in the eyes of a sister who is praying faithfully, longing to see God's reprieve and sustenance amidst all that life brings. But too, I know that contentment in all that life brings is worth asking God for. I have been reminded of this as well.... there is so much that you all offer to me via your encouragement, your prayers. We do need one another even though it is risky-- you have so much to give to the people in your life. There is so much God speaks to our hearts, uniting us by His Spirit. I am truly thankful for the many visits, texts, notes of love, and words of affirmation.... thank you for being Jesus to my heart and in my life.
Being faithful can be a very ungrateful position; similar to that of the janitor who faithfully scrubs the toilet to a thankless audience. I know that I want my life to reflect on God's glory, to honor His name by what I say and do but it seems that no matter how hard I try to remain faithful I feel like a floundering failure; or at least an unnoticed "attemptor" to truly be faithful to the God who promises my todays and tomorrows.
Sometimes I feel like Job, where my life is in a glass bottle for others to "peer" in but not to really understand the pain, the desire to honor and love God with all intensity, or the sacrifice. I long to be faithful as Job was and certainly don't mean to put myself on the same playing field as that righteous man; but what about when I am getting it right? When I am denying my hopes and dreams and laying them all down? Then what? I am not looking for answers as much as I am simply needing to call out to God the way I know how, with raw, real authenticity....and I guess this is what it looks like for me. For some reason, as I can sit here, listening to my fingers click on the keyboard the tears actually flow- it feels releasing.
I feel sad about the squabbling around the christian community that takes so much energy: "how many kids are you going to have?" "Are you going to send your kids to public school or homeschool?" "I need a break"..... sometimes these topics are just a waste of energy; not because we don't need to make decisons, we most certainly do! Prayerfully..... on our knees seeking God's best, not our convenience, or what will make our lives easier or more bearable for the moment. I guess the truth of my sadness here, is that we don't know our tomorrows, and sometimes the things we plan out with such vigor feels like such a running away from God growing us, asking us, "do you trust Me?" I realize that nothing I do in faithfulness guaruntees my security or happiness, so here I am forced to make that decision, "do I trust you Jesus?" Where is my faith, in present circumstances, in people, or in You who will never leave me or forsake me...
Is. 40:21
"but they who wait for th Lord shall renew their strength:
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
Ok, so I have never claimed to be a "writer" and time is so difficult to find, so what you get is a moment captured of my thoughts that are forever ruminating in my mind and in my heart....My poor Bridget is always "attacked" with an onslought of these emotions and thoughts that I am wrestling over and attempting to feebly day at a time trust Jesus with. I am forever grateful for her patience and grace in my life as we walk this journey, as so many of you walk this journey with me~ truly laboring "to love".
I was completely struck with a verse this morning that epitomizes my longing to live my life in a transparency that so completely loves others to Jesus. I know that I can not "do" this, nor do I want to. I tried that route, though unintentionally for the majority of my life. But God in His grace came down and shook me up- really. Life can go along with bumps in the road, where there are continual milestone moments of growth and maturity, which I am ever thankful for, but sometimes out of nowhere the core of who you are gets rocked....What do I mean you ask? What does that look like exactly? One thing to examine is your marriage, or if single then your "ideals" of marriage. What if you have been married for almost 1/2 of your life and now the carpet has been pulled, the table turned. Your plans, your goals, your hopes are all put on the table to re-evaluate and ponder. For the sake of love, are you really willing to give up your dreams and longings and core of who you thought you were to put into action a radical, dieing to self love? Could you, would you do it? I really believe that those are questions we need to ask before we are in the eye of the storm. Suffering is one of those things that is necessary to study on, search the heart of God on before you are faced with it; smacked right in the face. One dear friend of mine comes to my mind about another area of truly dieing to her rights--things looking nothing like she would have ever chosen or imagined; the death of her daughter. What do we do when the hope of a child struggling with a birth defect for 3+ years ends in a way that was nothing that you bargained for; believing even that God had assurred a healing. Do we walk away in bitterness or do we--do I choose to bear my life trusting that God has a plan in the midst of loss and grief. I have been looking into Ruth lately, one of the many tangents God has led me on related to my life of persevering in suffering, sisterhood, love, and community. (Really, it is ridiculous how very many topics I am 'wrestling' with- 6 without even trying!) What I am predominantly seeing is how God's sovereign hand is there even in the midst of great loss, where everything has been stripped away (for Naomi). The calamities and sorrows of life truly are under the hand of God showing us in due time that God's purposes are good. God does bring the calamities of life our way, but is God's bitter providence the last word? Really, what the issue at hand is, "Can I trust and love the God who has dealt me this painful hand in life?"
The verse I meant to get to above is this notion of radical love springing from the pains and losses of life...I long for the gift of hope in God, his providence to overflow in radical acts of love for hurting people. I am absolutely passionate about this! But there is this one tiny, itty bitty obsticale--ME. Yeah, not too tiny is it? ~sigh.
1Thes. 2:8
"So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." (italics mine)
I am continually in the way, continually looking at the time line of life saying, "this is really too long, how much more?" What Ruth shows is that all of history, even its darkest hours, serves to magnify the glory of God's grace. He is at work doing thousands of things that I certainly can not see; that maybe wont even directly effect me, but maybe they will effect my children, my grandchildren, I don't know. It's that conscious choice to trust God for who He is, the author of my life, the perfector of it all! That is certainly a title I don't have and am not qualified to have either.
So where do I go from here? Well, God put a "catchy little phrase" in my heart a couple weeks ago....Trust in today, hope for tomorrow. This has really become a word picture to me; that aspect of trusting for the now--STOP--hoping in the tomorrows. Not with expectations of my plan, my ideal, but instead looking to God's word for His promises, promises that he will never leave me nor forsake me. I need God's courage to venture into the unknown, to pursue truths in the Word--reconcilitation, abounding love, a forebearing forgiving heart, a love that exalts another above myself...on and on it goes. And how about radical commitment to my sisters; to take the hand next to me and choose with my whole being to walk through the dark of the unknown with her, with you....
This kind of woman I long to be, out of the refining fires, this woman in Proverbs who looks into the future with confidence in God and laughs at the coming troubles. (Can't quite picture the laughing aspect! :) )
Prov. 31:25
"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come."
May my eyes be opened to the evidences of grace abounding in my life, and in yours--witnessing the signs of his merciful purposes.....
I love you sisters, let's grab the hand next to us and say as Ruth said,
"Where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17
Now here is a title that will either draw you near, as you lean in turning your ear very earnestly to a point of interest or you will slightly yawn and skip right along in your day. We foolishly come with our own conclusions on the aspect of suffering; assuming that is for other people or minimalize it altogether. Or, on the flip side of the coin you are very aquainted with suffering. My heart longs to share where God has been journeying me on this road for the past 6 months. This is the last topic that I long to share my heart on; in reality it feels far too vulnerable and risky. I have been avoiding this for weeks (hence the 3 week gap in my postings); but I know that this is what God is asking me to begin to do, to pour out my heart however feeble it my appear. I long to trust him who ordains my comings and my goings, to give him glory and honor and praise even in the midst of unknown and direction that is as clear and sure as a foggy night.
I believe that this will be the beginning of an ongoing dialogue with you; I don't see how one post could possible package up my heart and experience on this subject in a pristine foil wrapped package with a Tiffany bow. It would be shallow and insencere, and completely not honor my God whom I long to honor with all of me.
I know that for myself I am constantly attempting to figure out the why behind a circumstance that appears wrong, or unfair, or unexplainable. As if being able to tidy it up and label it as such will diminish the pain that it has caused either myself or another person. As if the approach, "this is happening because of ____" or "so that___" will help the situation. Because we all know that bad things don't happen to "good" people, right? Obviously someone must have done something wrong to endure such pain, or watch their business crumble, or witness their spouse walk away from their marriage. I have been completely guilty of this mentality; and I pray that my own experiences have turned my heart towards a tenderness for the difficulties, losses, and pains around me with a new awareness and humility.
We will all suffer as Peter points out to us:
1Peter 4:12 "Beloved, do not be surprised at the firery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as
though something strange were happening to you."
I think the aspect of suffering so that God may be glorified feels far too risky for us to swollow. But doesn't it make sense to "have a plan" on how we will survive when the storms come? Trust that this is God's good hand upon us and that He is a generous Father. All of His works toward His children are good. JI Packer said "still He seeks the fellowship of His poeple and sends them both sorrows and joys to detach their love from other things and attach it to Himself." Honestly, that is beautiful....to feel so loved, so treasured that God in His sovereignty intervenes in my life to draw me to Him!
I hope with all my heart that this introduction to suffering does not appear cool or distant. I want to be so real with you, bearing my heart with the truth that Jesus has been walking me through, and the pain of this journey one day at a time.....truly my love abounds.
I see this post as a continuation of where I began a week ago. By God's goodness and grace I feel like there has been a dialogue of sorts occurring in my heart and ministering to my spirit. A further peeling back of the layers; helping me to see, to understand, to absorb His amazing truths which are just simply so full and so beautiful to behold about who He longs for us to be in fellowship with one another. This has kind of been a theme of sorts--or a newness at least, over the past 1 1/2 years of my life. That clarity and truth of the crippled person that I have been in my relationships with women. I really believe that God longs for us to live in such a way where our love is so full that loving one another is that amazing extension of the hand of Jesus; not with expectation or rights, but of loving you to Jesus....Heck, this might seem like, "duh" to you but to me this is phenomenal, exciting, and absolutley freeing! In fact, the joy that I have in my heart that is without fear of failure or guilt for what I am not feels like it has slipped away. The work has been constant, especially in the past 5 months, but I finally am seeing blue through the stormy clouds. God brought a verse to my heart this week that has been my focus; "God works all things together for good to those who love him." There is a beautiful promise here; one that I have been and will continue to learn to rest in .....one that I long to proclaim, "Oh Lord! Less of me and more of You."
As God has been using amazing, lovely, grace filled women in my life to show me love and trust I am seeing where so many women are missing this whole picture of sisterhood that abides in Christ. An affection and sympathy that completes our joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord . Not looking to our own interests, but to the interests of others. This message is clear in Philippians, a book that was layed on my heart 7 months ago or so. I have been studying it, and continue to feel God showing his desire to minister to the women in my life through this beautiful book of the Bible. Using my many failures and sins and choosing to cover all that I am with all that He is feels like a completeness and wholeness that I have never grasped or believed that I could "attain". And there was the error....I don't have to attain! I just AM....because of all that Jesus IS! Isn't this lovely. I hope....I pray that you will allow the Spirit to show you what you are missing in your relationships of sisterhood that is real, that is deep, that is unifiied. Oh, how full my heart is; longing for the balm of Jesus to heal those wounds that are deep and so painful. I trust that somehow God will use me in spite of all that I am to His glory. I feel convinced that He has a plan, and that by His grace I will get to see his handiwork amidst my own hurts, pains, and persual of Him.
2 Cor. 1:4-7
"(God)..who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experienc when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our suffeings, you will also share in our comfort."
I hope that you see the beautiful message in this verse of sharing...abiding....living together with such a raw and realness that is far above friendly playdates and hokey potlucks. I will never forget the morning when this passage lept off the page just for me. It was 9 years ago as I was contemplating the "if's" of whether or not Avery was going to live or die. Our 3rd born son's life was literally in a balance as he was born with a heart deffect that would possibly take his life; week after week this was the question at hand. But I specifically remember that I had a choice; would I choose to praise God amidst tragedy and affliction or would I curse Him? ....My heart longs to show the comfort of that which Christ has so graciously shown me. May you choose to receive the comfort and love from your sisters who God has so tenderly placed in your life....love, love you.
"You can build a wall, or you can build a bridge to every person you meet." What do you think, I mean really think of that statement? That has really been such an underlying thought/meditation of my heart over the past 1 1/2 of my life. I guess I need to start from there really. I was challenged then, that autumn of '08 to "tell my story". On the front end that seemed rather simple-straightforward-heck, even a little boring. But as I went through that process of chronicalizing my life I realized that there was so much that I had never really thought on, felt, or grieved that had truly affected who I am today. And as I saw a pattern of "who" I was, and "why" I was there were some definite evidences of hurt, shame, guilt, loneliness, and lack of trust that primarily affected my relationships with women in my life.... dear, sweet, beautiful sisters in my life. God really had begun back then a work, a work that is carrying through today and tomorrow too. I trust Jesus in this gruelsome yet freeing work; a work and place of learning to be loved and to love.... a love that can only be manifested in Christ, a love that can meet people with grace, a love that can love people to Jesus. I guess if I were to some up my heart even this week, that has been the voice whispering to my heart, "love that person to Jesus" not if or when, but trusting that Jesus can do this through me as I am His creation. Boy does that give me joy...not because of me or anything that I could possible manufacture, because believe me; all that I can really manufacture is a gigantic pile of dung. As I look to the difficulty that this week has even thrown at me I know that I don't have to have it figured out...and I guess that is all I really want to say here; one feeble step at a time trusting that God loves me and can use me in spite of the wreck I am.
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