faithful

Being faithful can be a very ungrateful position; similar to that of the janitor who faithfully  scrubs the toilet to a thankless audience.  I know that I want my life to reflect on God's glory, to honor His name by what I say and do but it seems that no matter how hard I try to remain faithful I feel like a floundering failure; or at least an unnoticed "attemptor" to truly be faithful to the God who promises my todays and tomorrows. 
Sometimes I feel like Job, where my life is in a glass bottle for others to "peer" in but not to really understand the pain, the desire to honor and love God with all intensity, or the sacrifice.  I long to be faithful as Job was and certainly don't mean to put myself on the same playing field as that righteous man; but what about when I am getting it right?  When I am denying my hopes and dreams and laying them all down?  Then what?  I am not looking for answers as much as I am simply needing to call out to God the way I know how, with raw, real authenticity....and I guess this is what it looks like for me.  For some reason, as I can sit here, listening to my fingers click on the keyboard the tears actually flow- it feels releasing. 
I feel sad about the squabbling around the christian community that takes so much energy: "how many kids are you going to have?"  "Are you going to send your kids to public school or homeschool?"  "I need a break"..... sometimes these topics are just a waste of energy; not because we don't need to make decisons, we most certainly do!  Prayerfully..... on our knees seeking God's best, not our convenience, or what will make our lives easier or more bearable for the moment.  I guess the truth of my sadness here, is that we don't know our tomorrows, and sometimes the things we plan out with such vigor feels like such a running away from God growing us, asking us, "do you trust Me?"  I realize that nothing I do in faithfulness guaruntees my security or happiness, so here I am forced to make that decision, "do I trust you Jesus?"  Where is my faith, in present circumstances, in people, or in You who will never leave me or forsake me...

Is. 40:21
"but they who wait for th Lord shall renew their strength:
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."