hope

I was thinking about hope; yes hope- and the importance of it in our lives.  I was reading about a lovely woman who said that through her loss of her baby girl it was the hope of others that gave her the ability to walk forward.  As I am reflecting on this I too am able to apply this to my own life and say a resounding "yes" to her declaration.  I am thinking of brave people in my own life who feel overwrought with present circumstances, wondering how they will be able to go on.  When the days are long, the offense great, the loss tremendous I really do believe that it is by hope that we can put one foot in front of another.  Hope that another has in you will ignite a beautiful and powerful ingredient in one's own heart: faith.  One day at a time; that's it.  Nothing more.  Can you love that unlovely child?  Can you forgive yet one more time?  Can we love one another knowing that it is a risk- a huge risk with everything to lose?  I long to be that bit of hope in another persons life when maybe breathing is all that can be accomplished.  I can reflect on the faces and words of hope spoken into my life even when I couldn't truly digest it; it was still longed for in my heart.  To know that people stand in the gap, praying with fervency and tenderness.... what an amazing, humbling gift.  As loss is constant and  pain inevitable, hope can be a beacon in another persons life offering a life support to a dieing victim sinking under the absence of hope. 
I am writing this from the vantage of admiration at so many lovely and amazing women in the midst of my life; brave women.  Women going forward when they feel "done", exhausted with the challenges that were not foreseen from decisions past.
Isaiah 40: 29,31
" He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
....but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
for they shall walk and not faint."

So much to say... but where to begin?

This feels like an awkward conversation; it has been so long!  Do you ever feel like you just don't really know where to begin?  Well, I guess that is truly how I feel.  Like life has a lot of complication, pain, and unknowns.  So, with that comes an extreme tendency to withdraw.  I really don't want to, but with life and the various roads we walk there just appears to be a complication in choosing to let it all hang out there. 
Amidst the changes that I feel have been constant in this past year I still see how much God longs for me, His child to know His love.  This is the constant battle that I toil over within my mind-- feelings of failure, lack of worth.... a battle that I know God's truth as constant and solid, but yet, the Enemy also knows my "story"-- who I am and what has shaped me as well.
A couple of weeks ago there were 2 very significant events which were tangible expressions of God's love for me, to me.  Both of these were encounters with 2 women in my life whom I love dearly; but through life's geographic challenges and also the scheduling with kids schooling and church families it is a difficulty to keep in touch.  One woman, whom God brought into my life through our similar trials of both of our children being born with a congenital heart defect was sharing about her grieving and what life looks like 2 years post the death of her daughter.  As she spoke about her struggles to sometimes engage or feel like her grieving is understood I was able to hear her heart, to love her where she feels difficulty sometimes in her "talking" to God.  There were so many things about her heart; the words she chose, that I was able to hear myself in...it gave me a permission to simply "be".  I find that a very difficult task-- "being" .  Without knowing what lies around life's corner, seeing what appeared clear and forthright become out of focus has left me feeling foggy.... It is even so hard to put to words, but hearing another sister who loves God with all her heart share the reality of where her own uncleanness lies, it was a comfort, a salve, and I knew that God wants me to hear His heart-- giving permission to just "be", to know His love, to rest in Him, to await a healing that my heart obviously needs.  How thankful I am, how humbled I am that God loves me enough to give me a sense of being understood by him. 
My other encounter came via a phone call from a dear friend living in California.  When care and tenderness comes out of nowhere it is especially noticed.  A reminder that who God sees me as has not and will not change.  I know that Truth of who I am, who you are, is completely and clearly seen in God's word.  How lovely it is to hear the words from fellow family in the Body, to feel a loving hand upon a shoulder, or to see the tears in the eyes of a sister who is praying faithfully, longing to see God's reprieve and sustenance amidst all that life brings.  But too, I know that contentment in all that life brings is worth asking God for.  I have been reminded of this as well.... there is so much that you all offer to me via your encouragement, your prayers.  We do need one another even though it is risky-- you have so much to give to the people in your life.  There is so much God speaks to our hearts, uniting us by His Spirit.  I am truly thankful for the many visits, texts, notes of love, and words of affirmation.... thank you for being Jesus to my heart and in my life.