faithful

Being faithful can be a very ungrateful position; similar to that of the janitor who faithfully  scrubs the toilet to a thankless audience.  I know that I want my life to reflect on God's glory, to honor His name by what I say and do but it seems that no matter how hard I try to remain faithful I feel like a floundering failure; or at least an unnoticed "attemptor" to truly be faithful to the God who promises my todays and tomorrows. 
Sometimes I feel like Job, where my life is in a glass bottle for others to "peer" in but not to really understand the pain, the desire to honor and love God with all intensity, or the sacrifice.  I long to be faithful as Job was and certainly don't mean to put myself on the same playing field as that righteous man; but what about when I am getting it right?  When I am denying my hopes and dreams and laying them all down?  Then what?  I am not looking for answers as much as I am simply needing to call out to God the way I know how, with raw, real authenticity....and I guess this is what it looks like for me.  For some reason, as I can sit here, listening to my fingers click on the keyboard the tears actually flow- it feels releasing. 
I feel sad about the squabbling around the christian community that takes so much energy: "how many kids are you going to have?"  "Are you going to send your kids to public school or homeschool?"  "I need a break"..... sometimes these topics are just a waste of energy; not because we don't need to make decisons, we most certainly do!  Prayerfully..... on our knees seeking God's best, not our convenience, or what will make our lives easier or more bearable for the moment.  I guess the truth of my sadness here, is that we don't know our tomorrows, and sometimes the things we plan out with such vigor feels like such a running away from God growing us, asking us, "do you trust Me?"  I realize that nothing I do in faithfulness guaruntees my security or happiness, so here I am forced to make that decision, "do I trust you Jesus?"  Where is my faith, in present circumstances, in people, or in You who will never leave me or forsake me...

Is. 40:21
"but they who wait for th Lord shall renew their strength:
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."

Suffering: Part 2 - Radical Acts of Love

Ok, so I have never claimed to be a "writer" and time is so difficult to find, so what you get is a moment captured of my thoughts that are forever ruminating in my mind and in my heart....My poor Bridget is always "attacked" with an onslought of these emotions and thoughts that I am wrestling over and attempting to feebly day at a time trust Jesus with.  I am forever grateful for her patience and grace in my life as we walk this journey, as so many of you walk this journey with me~ truly laboring "to love".
I was completely struck with a verse this morning that epitomizes my longing to live my life in a transparency that so completely loves others to Jesus.  I know that I can not "do" this, nor do I want to.  I tried that route, though unintentionally for the majority of my life.  But God in His grace came down and shook me up- really.  Life can go along with bumps in the road, where there are continual milestone moments of growth and maturity, which I am ever thankful for, but sometimes out of nowhere the core of who you are gets rocked....What do I mean you ask?  What does that look like exactly?  One thing to examine is your marriage, or if single then your "ideals" of marriage.  What if you have been married for almost 1/2 of your life and now the carpet has been pulled, the table turned.  Your plans, your goals, your hopes are all put on the table to re-evaluate and ponder.  For the sake of love, are you really willing to give up your dreams and longings and core of who you thought you were to put into action a radical, dieing to self love?  Could you, would you do it?  I really believe that those are questions we need to ask before  we are in the eye of the storm.  Suffering is one of those things that is necessary to study on, search the heart of God on before you are faced with it; smacked right in the face.  One dear friend of mine comes to my mind about another area of truly dieing to her rights--things looking nothing like she would have ever chosen or imagined; the death of her daughter.  What do we do when the hope of a child struggling with a birth defect for 3+ years ends in a way that was nothing that you bargained for; believing even that God had assurred a healing.  Do we walk away in bitterness or do we--do I choose to bear my life trusting that God has a plan in the midst of loss and grief.  I have been looking into Ruth lately, one of the many tangents God has led me on related to my life of persevering in suffering, sisterhood, love, and community.  (Really, it is ridiculous how very many topics I am 'wrestling' with- 6 without even trying!) What I am predominantly seeing is how God's sovereign hand is there even in the midst of great loss, where everything has been stripped away (for Naomi).  The calamities and sorrows of life truly are under the hand of God showing us in due time that God's purposes are good.  God does bring the calamities of life our way, but is God's bitter providence the last word?  Really, what the issue at hand is, "Can I trust and love the God who has dealt me this painful hand in life?" 
The verse I meant to get to above is this notion of radical love springing from the pains and losses of life...I long for the gift of hope in God, his providence to overflow in radical acts of love for hurting people.  I am absolutely passionate about this!  But there is this one tiny, itty bitty obsticale--ME.  Yeah, not too tiny is it? ~sigh. 

1Thes. 2:8
"So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." (italics mine)

I am continually in the way, continually looking at the time line of life saying, "this is really too long, how much more?"  What Ruth shows is that all of history, even its darkest hours, serves to magnify the glory of God's grace.  He is at work doing thousands of things that I certainly can not see; that maybe wont even directly effect me, but maybe they will effect my children, my grandchildren, I don't know.  It's that conscious choice to trust God for who He is, the author of my life, the perfector of it all!  That is certainly a title I don't have and am not qualified to have either.
So where do I go from here?  Well, God put a "catchy little phrase" in my heart a couple weeks ago....Trust in today, hope for tomorrow.  This has really become a word picture to me; that aspect of trusting for the now--STOP--hoping in the tomorrows.  Not with expectations of my plan, my ideal, but instead looking to God's word for His promises, promises that he will never leave me nor forsake me.  I need God's courage to venture into the unknown, to pursue truths in the Word--reconcilitation, abounding love, a forebearing forgiving heart, a love that exalts another above myself...on and on it goes.  And how about radical commitment to my sisters; to take the hand next to me and choose with my whole being to walk through the dark of the unknown with her, with you....
This kind of woman I long to be, out of the refining fires, this woman in Proverbs who looks into the future with confidence in God and laughs at the coming troubles. (Can't quite picture the laughing aspect! :) )

Prov. 31:25
"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come."

May my eyes be opened to the evidences of grace abounding in my life, and in yours--witnessing the signs of his merciful purposes.....
I love you sisters, let's grab the hand next to us and say as Ruth said,
"Where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge.  Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.  Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried.  May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17